倒数16个小时

心，空了。
泪，干了。
开始倒数16个小时，去吧。
我真失败。
你们要他，我就让你们吧，我累了。

反正整个学期，他见你们，还多过见我。
圣诞节，也一个人。
罢了，我服输。
反正，这个学期你们没有拿完我的时间，也不会算的。
就当这个学期是垃圾学期。
我的时间都拿来秃废，当个废人。

夜

时间过得快，也过得慢。

谁知道，我的夜晚，是怎么过。

我不想再让眼泪弄湿我的枕头。

我的泪，就快要干了。

心里的话，找谁去说？

我没有勇气说出口。

就像是dear说的—— If love does not exist, pain does not exist.

有时这句话是对的，相反地，有时是错的。

她曾说的一句话，一点也没有错。

     一个人在夜晚哭泣，是个难受的感觉。

只不过，我们两个，都有着不同的故事。

她有她的苦衷，我有我的难过。

而我的难过，到底从哪里来，我自己也很迷茫。

是最近吧，我的眼泪比较不受控制。

是时候该停一停了，努力地对着现在坐在电脑面前的自己说。

我不想解释，不想说原因，因为我自己也不清楚，我到底是个怎样的人。

我好想说，不要，可是我说不出口。

是的，或许我是个自私的人，一味地想留你在身边。

可是你并不快乐，你需要的，不只是只有我。

这几天，好想拿回自己的房间。

至少，半夜忽然哭起来的时候，没有人会知道。

至少，哭的时候，自己可以冷静一下想一想要怎么做。

甚至，我的难过也不需要任何理由。

已经好久好久，没有写那么难过的东西。

忽然这样，我自己也好不习惯，真的。

现在，眼泪又停了一下。

想一想，真的要我不再去在乎吗？

明明自己就知道，不去在乎的方法只有一个。

可是那个方法，一点也行不通哦。

因为，我不可能会放弃他。

即使我自己难过，我也不会放弃。

即使明知道自己做不到。

即使………再多个即使……

唉，我不但是个自私的人，还有点自我矛盾的感觉。

难怪，最近的我，那么奇怪。

23 December ; 13:19

I am here today.
Still not yet fully recover but it's already been okay.
Today is Yee Liang's birthday, having BBQ tonight on his house.
But I think I am not going, maybe, it's better.
He told me he will be going and he asked me to stay home since I were sick.
Anyway, I just follow ba.

Don't want to make him feel that I like to follow him and I will be unhappy if I didn't follow.
I just, need a peace right now.
He likes to hang out with his friends without me,
then I will not following.
Maybe it's the time to change.
Almost 2 years, something that he could ignore last time,
he might not ignore now any more.
Just let it be, and I will be silent.
Don't want to talk so much and lastly argue for the same things again.
I am tired seriously.

My body is sick, and my heart is sick too.
I will try my best to cure, without any help.
I could be independent as you never seen before.
Believe me, if I don't want to do that, and I will not do that any more.
I am still me, I didn't change my basic rules and my safety zone.

It's semester break

Finally go through the four subjects in the 2nd semester.
Many mistakes I have done in the final exams and very hopefully I can get my cGPA of 3.5 this semester.
Not much to talk about my college life, seriously, it's better than staying home without things to do.
However, my semester break is ongoing by staying home and sleep.
Can you imagine I can sleep from 1am until 3pm?
They thought I were crazy.

Sigh, feels like nothing to chat here?
Ya, it's because I just staying home.
Went 1 Utama bought my new year clothes, still not yet found my dream dress.
Just don't want to keep stay simple, I need to have changes.

Let's try to get a haircut, dye hair and rebonding.
Then, try some clothes which are acceptable.
Do not know what I will looks like if I change my taste, lol.
But still remain the same rule, keep it simple.
But I will not accept colourful clothes with flowers or what ever patterns.
It makes me looks mature than my actual age.
I know my face already looks mature, so that I don't want to make myself more mature.
Make up? Hmm, thinking to learn it. =)

Many activities I wish to plan, but, I have no car in this semester.
What to do? Unless got transport, or not I just can stay home.
Feels want to gather with my ji mui and friends.
I know I just hanging out with Ronnie and Aaron, but still not yet with my ji mui.
Lol, don't think too much first.
Bless myself to get my result soon, I know I am still stress of it. =X

醒觉

有时，我宁愿不去想，也不去问。
反正结果会是和预料中的一样，是一连串的谎言。
我说的每一句，即使你不听，我再也无所谓。
只因为我的身份，容不了我多说。

或许我的爱是枷锁，让你喘不过气。
或许我说的话不够明白，你不了解。
或许我的态度不好，让你觉得厌烦。
那么就和我说，你不需要这些，只需要静静的我。

我就不去理会，当作眼睛盲了看不到。
听到的，当耳边风，左耳进右耳出。
这样的我，你又觉得我在不开心，发脾气。
错了，只是累了，我不想再管那么多。
什么都当作看不到，或许我更开心。

你也乐得自在，出门不用交代。
想去哪里就去，不用再在乎我怎么想。
不用每星期陪我，哪里也不能去。
甚至要去clubbing，也不用让我知道。

如果这时你想要的，我会做得到。
因为我不会再流泪，为了你一层又一层的谎言。